hell bent useless void
feed your favorite paranoid
wash these hands for a change
one step closer by the way
all the way
give it all away
give it all away
sell me up the jacket straits eat the worlds left on my plate summer’s shot and so i’m smoked all day
doctor ain’t it good to live
all the way
give it all away
give it all away
give it all away
everyday give yourself away
coming undone in that usual way
she’s been around
not that well
give it all away
give it all away
give it all away
all my way
Image poached from the web (if it belongs to you and you wish either credit or for it to be removed, please let me know).
Words poached from One Second Bush.
Well, it's been a while but I think (hope) that the site has been cleaned, all potential threats removed and I can breathe a little easier knowing so.
I had to take the site down almost a year ago due to constant hacking, and the WordPress code being manipulated to send SPAM out to hundreds of unsuspecting people. To begin with, I tried to work with my provider 1and1 to get it sorted but their remit really didn't extend to my particular issues. So with limited time and no funds I had to sort it myself - which is why it's taken so long.
Anyway, fingers crossed and all that. I'm back up and running ... but don't take it for granted that it means I'll be posting much!
After a fortnight of appalling health, I've tried to make a lifestyle change. Using the template from a food blog called I Love Vegan, I've adjusted the foods recommended by adding a couple of fish and chicken dishes - as I don't think I can manage to go completely meat free. What surprised me on my first shopping trip was how cheap the grocery bill came to. I have a working food budget of about 250SEK (£25) a week, and minus a jar of espresso and some laundry detergent, I was well within that target. All I need to do now is make the food last a week.
Grocery List: 2013-08-14 - 316SEK
Crushed tomatoes x2
Yoghurt w/ honey
Olive oil spread
Soy milk x2
Sweet potatoes x2
*Taking away the coffee and detergent would give me me a total bill of about 228SEK (£22), so I'm relatively happy. Luckily I have chicken, salmon a loaf of bread and some other bits and pieces already. Other essentials will probably come to light once I've gotten through the next few days.
As this is not something I would usually blog about, I've decided to create a new microblog over on tumblr. All subsequent posts about this lifestyle change will be on their from now on.
Site: LoLyfeStyle Change
It's finally warm enough to rain... And it hasn't stopped in 3 days. Be careful what you wish for...
The blog has suffered from a lack of input recently, mainly due to the fact that nothing much of note has been going on. Although my inactivity has definitely brought on laziness as I've had visitors, been out on excursions and had a relatively busy few months - however - I also blew a disc in my neck and trapped a nerve and have been collared up like a sick puppy, so forgive me if I haven't felt like writing much.
My latest manuscript is nearing completion. Words of encouragement from around the globe have helped put a lot of things in life into perspective. Most important (imo) is my writing. Second of course is my health, and whilst it's been a matter of course to go on (and on) about it, I'm trying to put a new slant on that too. Suffice to say, there's input from outside on that as well, which I may go into at a later time...
Who reads this crap?
Sometimes I stop and think about life and its meaning... then I immediately eat something. However, the past few days have made me stop and think a little bit more seriously about it all.
On Thursday morning at 8:15 I had an yet another appointment with yet another specialist about my back/neck/body/brain. I was on the defensive because of the name of the clinic which is "Enh för Psykosomatisk Medicin" - which I roughly translated as "The Centre for IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, YOU'RE PUTTING IT ON -- FAKER! Medicine". And as with all facilities that concentrate on the 'mind' over 'matter', I was expecting a bunch of tree hugging hippy crap topped off with sentimental bullshit and a suggestion of therapy.
I have never shied away from mental health issues, in fact I feel very strongly about them. I have no doubt that my bouts of extreme happiness and extreme depravity are totally connected to the evil gremlin that sleeps in a hammock in the back of my head. But, you see, when I turn up at these places he is never to be found... he lays in wait until I get home and then he drops the anvil.
Case in point: From about 8:30 until 11:00 I talked with two separate people about everything except my bloody back pain - which really annoyed me afterwards but at the time I was kind of going with the flow. I had filled out a questionnaire the night before and for the first ninety minutes I talked with a very concerned looking woman about why I don't have a social life. But, the answers that weren't there for the questionnaire or for when we were talking were suddenly there when the gremlin decided to wake up. I haven't got any fracking money to socialise! (And anyway, I don't like people...). So now I can only assume that they think the image that perfectly fits me is that bloke that "...kept himself to himself, bit of a loner, never caused any trouble... no idea why he shot the *insert prominent member of political bollocks here*".
The second interview was with an actual Doctor of Medicine, an anaesthetist no less. In fact he introduced himself as a 'Pain Doctor', which I thought was pretty cool. He then talked at me for an hour about other peoples problems (which I gauged as being a test to see if I had empathy or not - and now realise that if I had to think that hard about it, I probably lack empathy... which I must now look up on Wikipedia), and by the end of the hour I was numb to the core. By the time I got home I was gagging for a cuppa, which I promptly made, sat down and within twenty minutes felt so tired that I needed a nap... I never, and I mean NEVER take naps... but I decided that a nap was in order and laid down on my bed and promptly fell asleep for nine hours.
There's a lot to be said about mental fatigue.
Fuck you gremlin...
One of the things I love doing when I'm in the UK is visiting the Apple Store. Even if I'm not buying anything, there's still a sense of awe and wonderment that encapsulates me when I walk into the neon bleached room with its blue-shirted geniuses....
About three weeks ago, Apple sent a message out to all Apple TV owners advising them that the latest iOS version for Apple TV's was ready and that an installation update would be a great thing to do!
History dictates that this company is unsurpassed in releasing updates and enabling the user a new thrill when it comes to finding out those hidden gems they've incorporated into it. So it was without hesitation that I agreed to the update... The update proceeded to 'brick' my Apple TV. Concerned that I had done something wrong I immediately went onto the official Apple forums and found that quite a few people had experienced a similar problem. One had even found a workaround but had lost WiFi functionality upon restoration. Another had lost Ethernet capabilities whilst the majority of people who don't have a MicroUSB cable that fits the box (not supplied with the unit), had to settle with a pretty black paperweight with an Apple symbol on it.
Funnily enough, Sweden's first Apple store opened its doors a few days later and I was tempted to embark on a journey to visit the store. Then after investigating where it was situated, I sat perplexed and confused at their choice of venues. Not inside the major city of Stockholm, but outside in a suburb ... I can see Swedes travelling to this store without a doubt but for me it's a no-brainer... Not a chance. Another reason for not hitting that store was that I bought the box at Stansted airport, so getting them to honour some sort of guarantee or warranty would probably have been rather difficult, and the 130 mile round trip didn't sway me either. And so it was either order a MicroUSB cable from Amazon and see if I could fix it myself, or wait a few weeks for when I could nip into Brent X to see if a Genius there could sort it... I decided on the lazy latter.
So yesterday, I dragged Dad along to Brent X to visit the hallowed halls of Apple and was immediately hit at the amount of people in the store. Then doubly-so when I counted the number of Blue-shirted Genii that where milling about too.
After explaining the problem to one of the frizzy-haired geeks, I had to book an appointment, which was for in an hour and a half... only choice was to go on a wander and drink coffee.
When the time finally arrived to chat with my expert, I was greeted with a gruff, stocky woman (frizzy hair seems to be a necessity) who listened to the problem. Then said she would try and see if the unit was under warranty. My heart sank at this because I had the suspicion that I was going to be told even though it was an Apple update that bricked the unit, I was going to have to either pay for it to be fixed or buy a new one. However, the serial number was not to be found within the Apple database - result! Then, and I can only imagine that it was easier to do this, she said that she would swap the box for a new one.... another result! But not many Apple TV 2nd generation units floating about any more so one would have to be ordered in. Not a problem for me...
So ultimately it paid to wait the few weeks to visit the Apple Store at Brent X and that's cheered me up a bit. But the fact that when I hit the Apple forums and checked how many people had encountered the same problem (many discussions but all have well over a hundred posts in them), I fail to understand why a software release went ahead without in-depth testing. An unusual slip-up by Apple and I for one will not be updating any Apple device in future without checking the forums first to see if anyone has had a problem....
So Autumn is here... the leaves have started to turn and the nights are drawing in, very chilly in the evenings too. I like Autumn in Sweden, it's a shame that it only lasts about a week... Won't be long before the winter tyres are on and the snow begins to fall. Hopefully it won't be too bad this year.
I managed to miss an appointment with my Handler today. She put a letter in with my monthly paperwork (which I never open until it's time to send it all back) to arrange it and so I had to send in an apology email tonight. I always feel so guilty when it comes to her, I know I'm a legitimate case but I always feel as though it's some sort of put on. Anyway, she is bound to give my increasing stress loads some more to deal with, so I pre-empted it by asking if she'd heard from my GP yet. This is something she promised to sort out before the summer. If she could arrange with my Doctor that I can be put onto a different form of income support then my bit would be easy. Plus it would stop her from being my Handler, which is a win-win...
Today is the official start of autumn... Should have told Sweden, think it started a week ago here which means there's a couple of days before winter starts.... *gloomy*
After a couple of days of battered sleep patterns, I pretty much got back to normal last night. But today brought a new problem, allergies... My eyes are killing me, can't seem to focus properly (not sure if this is a prescription issue though) and the corners of my eyes itch so badly that just the slightest hint of pressure on my tear ducts causes a scratch-fest. The eye drops I have aren't meant for allergies but at least they give a few minutes relief, however I don't want to overdo it with them. What I really need is a proper prescription or at least something that's meant for allergies.
Eyes aside, I've been busy with research and I even managed to do a bit of work on the book but I get the feeling that if I keep rewriting the first chapter I'll never get the rest done, it's just that there's something missing from it that I just can't seem to pour out. I know what the feelings are, the anxiety, the stress, the helplessness but putting it into words is just so difficult.
To give me a bit of incentive I downloaded two seasons of Luther and this really helped (albeit stopping me writing...). There's something about watching a well scripted, well acted drama that helps give me a bump. Add to that the opening theme is Paradise Circus and I was quickly playing Massive Attack whilst writing - a real help.
So, it's my last day at Work Training today. I had expected this pointless exercise to last well into the summer - maybe further. I had visions of sitting in this dingy little office whilst the Handlers at the Social were on their summer holidays sunning it up, drinking beer, frolicking in the surf whilst their subjects were left rotting in a shell created to boost statistics, surfing the Internet looking for that glimmer of hope in the digital world that would glean enough self importance not to go to the top of the building and hurl themselves off...
I imagine that the other people in my office will be doing exactly that, and I feel for them but I am being set free! I'm now able to go out into the world and explore the delights that summertime in Sweden has to offer...
I imagine I will stay at home and surf the Internet...